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Saturday, July 10, 2010

Laserblast... Looks like Trent Reznor ran out of gas


Laserblast: 2 out of 10: Anytime a film calls attention to its fourth wall by negatively reflecting on its competition, that film usually sucks. It was true when President Morgan Freeman referenced Armageddon in that turkey Deep Impact. It is true in Laserblast.

In Laserblast our protagonist blows away a Star Wars billboard. Apparently, the filmmakers felt that Star Wars was competition. Honestly, Laserblast is so out of Star Wars league it never even occurred to me that films were even in the same genre, let alone competition.

Laserblast is about two claymation aliens that leave behind a weapon set which consists of an oversized tube that goes on ones arm and a cheesy necklace that turns one Emo over time.

Our “hero” is a man with troubles. His mother leaves for vacations in Puerto Vallarta abandoning him. (Cause there is nothing a teenager hates more than when the parental units leave town for a week.) He also has a hot blond girlfriend (the late great Cheryl "Rainbeaux" Smith) and a (relatively) bitchin van. So why is our hero angry? Is it because he appears in this movie?

Nope. It turns out our “hero” is tormented by bullies. There are the local pot smoking cops that hassle him with speeding tickets (because they are jealous of his bitchin van natch) and there is Eddie Deezen.

Now there have been plenty of famous Hollywood bullies from Nelons Muntz of The Simpsons to Biff Tannen of Back to the Future. You remember Eddie Deezen from Grease where he played geek Eugene Felnic you may find him a strange choice to torment our “hero”. He is.

Look, if Eddie Deezen is picking on you, clearly you have problems even an arm laser tube thingy is not going to solve.

In the film’s defense things do blow up occasionally, Roddy McDowell shows up for a minute and the claymation alien turtles have a certain charm. Overall however this is one really bad film.

Mystery Science Theater 3000 Season 8 Episode 6: 8 out of 10: This was the last Comedy Central episode and they clearly pulled out all stops for the segments. Mike Nelson in drag as Voyager’s Captain Janeway is a particular highlight. The riffing is decent if slightly disappointing considering the sheer volume of stupid on the screen. The writers also assumed that “are you ready for some football gag” (one of Laserblasts characters resembled Hank Williams Jr.) would never get old... those writers were sadly mistaken.


Laserblast 14119 Cheryl Smith
"The lovely Cheryl Smith star of many B movies of the seventies and early eighties who fell into heroin and died too young."

Laserblast Harvi Eddie Deezen
"Worst Bullies ever."

Laserblast Johnprince
"Are you ready for some football?"

Laserblast Rikken
"We travel 6000 parsecs and you forgot our shells on Gamma 5... Furkle!"

Laserblast Teiseitō
"Yes the poster is as bad as the movie... finally truth in advertising"






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Friday, July 9, 2010

Laid to Rest... The best laid plans of serial killers and men.


Laid to Rest: 7 out of 10: Laid to Rest is a real slasher film. A movie truly for hardcore horror and gore fans only and will make viewers, such as myself, who often enjoy a less serious outing really wonder if I want to see a true horror film. (Turns out I do) This film scared me in places and made me look away in joyful disgust in others. It is a film that raises the bar for horror.

Laid to Rest G

On a lighter note let’s pretend you are married to a B movie actress whose claim to fame is a brief appearance as an Orion Slave Woman on an episode of The Star Trek spin off series Enterprise (Season 4 Episode 4 Borderland to be exact). She has large breasts but refuses to do a topless scene and she is seemingly challenged in the acting ability department. Oh and if she doesn’t star in your next project the audience will not be the only people to be denied a nude scene.

Laid To Rest F

Solution? One brain damaged protagonist coming up.... Some people have trouble getting past the um acting of our star (and directors wife) Bobbi Sue Luther but I think poor acting is as much a part of the slasher genre as the false scare or lame back-story reveal and it good to see it represented here. (Strangely I don’t recall a false scare in Laid to Rest and what back-story reveal there actually is turns out to be fairly well done.)

Laid To Rest A

As if to make up for the main lead, the rest of the cast is much better than any slasher film deserves. For one thing they act like a real people would if confronted with such horror. (This is a credit to the script as well; but the cast really does sell this.) Kevin Gage in particular gives a performance that carries the film and what Lena Headey (The queen in 300 and Sarah Conner in the Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles ) is doing in a slasher film like this is a true mystery.

Laid To Rest H

The direction by Robert Hall is also top notch with the ability to create tension and true scares. The real star of this show however is the make-up effects that are simply out of this world and make this worth a look just for that reason. (No cheesy digital blood here)


The only real negatives to the film, outside of Bobbi Sue Luther performance (which isn’t really that bad and fits a brain damaged character), is the opening credits and the ending. If you hate quick cuts, shaky cam and techno music all combined together the opening credits will put the fear of God into you. Don’t worry it stops as soon as the film proper starts. The ending is simply disappointing on a few levels. Characters act... well out of character, and the whole thing is anti-climatic and gimmicky.

Laid To Rest C

Overall Laid to Rest is an excellent slasher film for those people who like that sort of thing. But be forewarned this is for fans only; if you don’t like real horror stay far away.

Laid To Rest B






For a more adult unedited version of this review please click this link.




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Thursday, July 8, 2010

Karolina Kurkova



Karolina Kurkova is a Vogue model and Victoria Secret Angel turned... um... Actress. She had a small role in a previous film My Sexiest Year which premiered at 2007 Hamptons International Film Festival and despite starring Harvey Kietel has not been seen since (No Amazon or Netflix listing to be found.)

Her real movie premiere is as Cover Girl in G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra. In keeping with that film's tradition of changing every beloved character, she is no longer a tank jockey, specializing in the Wolverine missile tank, and a respected mechanic; but is instead Dennis Quaid's aide-de-camp.

Something strange happened when I took screen shots of Kurkova. They almost all came out bad. They were in focus and all (This is not one of those scary ghost stories so calm down.) It is just in every shot her arms were in weird positions and her neck was crooked. It was if she was auditioning for Corkina a very special supermodel on Lifetime.

Most actors with any experience know how to walk and run on film but as anyone who has watched home movie knows it is a real skill. Remembering to do something with your arms is job one. In addition, many actresses have perfected allowing the camera to love them no matter what their expression. Kukkova looked like she just ate expired Mexican food in many shots.

Alas, she does have a great death scene and she is apparently a hard worker who does not steal other people’s husbands... (Unlike certain co-stars I could mention)

Therefore, I am willing to give her a pass in her first real film and look forward to her future work.


Karolina Kurkova African G.I. Joe The Rise of Cobra
"African death fever? No a very tame example of the Corkina Affliction"

Karolina Kurkova Association G.I. Joe The Rise of Cobra
"Karolina Kurkova Association G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra"

Karolina Kurkova Darestan G.I. Joe The Rise of Cobra
"Karolina Kurkova Darestan G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra"

Karolina Kurkova Eteobalea
"Karolina Kurkova Eteobalea in Red Panties and Bejeweled Bra"

Karolina Kurkova Studies G.I. Joe The Rise of Cobra
"Karolina Kurkova Studies Computers G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra"

G.I. Joe The Rise of Cobra Surface Karolina Kurkova Arnold Vosloo
"Great Death scene saves otherwise unremarkable performance."

Karolina Kurkova Trailing G.I. Joe The Rise of Cobra
"Karolina Kurkova Trailing G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra"



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Wednesday, July 7, 2010

Jana Kramer




Jana Kramer is a Detroit native who can be seen currently on 90210 as Portia or so IMDB tells me (Lord knows I haven't watched it) She also did 6 episodes of Friday Night Lights a show that seems to be the Law and Order for cute young actresses.

Film wise she appeared as a cutie in some horrible films such as Prom Night and Blue Demon as well as better genre films such as Laid to Rest.


Jana Kramer 2813
"Jana Kramer Sexy Hat 2813"

Jana Kramer Behind
"Jana Kramer Behind"

Jana Kramer Brandywine
"Jana Kramer Brandywine"

Jana Kramer Magic
"Jana Kramer Magic"

Jana Kramer Soup
"Jana Kramer Swirl Soup"

Jana Kramer Zappalà
"Jana Kramer Zappalà"



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Tuesday, July 6, 2010

Inna Korobkina




Inna Korobkina is one of those classic Russian beauties that only appeared after the wall fell. She is most famous (in my eyes at least) as the pregnant lady in the Dawn of the Dead remake. Of course her notoriety of being younger than the actress playing her daughter in Driven to Kill will be making the rounds soon.


Inna Korobkina David
"Inna Korobkina David"

Inna Korobkina Mikuni
"Inna Korobkina Mikuni"

Inna Korobkina Robert Dawn of the Dead
"Inna Korobkina Robert Dawn of the Dead"

Inna Korobkina Steele
"Inna Korobkina Steele minus Remington:

Inna Korobkina Teddy
"Inna Korobkina Red Carpet Teddy"

Inna Korobkina Tuning
"Inna Korobkina Tuning"



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For full size representation click twice on images below (Takes you off site so use back button to return to Illustrated Journal of Cinematic Diversions)


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