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Saturday, April 10, 2010

1990 The Bronx Warriors... So this isn't about the Yankees?



1990: The Bronx Warriors (1990: I guerrieri del Bronx):3 out of 10: It is the distant future and the Bronx is now a no-go zone filled with criminal scum. A bored, rich 17-year-old girl escapes her guardians and flees into the Bronx; where she meets up with a large breasted male hairdresser, who leads a motorcycle gang.

Hold on let me check the box… It’s Italian eh? I should have known. Yes 1990: The Bronx Warriors a rip off of Escape from New York mixed with The Warriors and A Chorus Line.

The film is loaded with problems even for an Italian rip-off, hack job. First of all they are clearly not in the Bronx. Helpful hints include the World Trade Center and UN building not to mention the Brooklyn Bridge in the background. I guess 1990 the Brooklyn Warriors sounded too much like a baseball movie.

Despite listing the Hell's Angels as technical support the biker gang leads are well gay. I don't mean the current popular gay equals stupid definition kids use today either. I mean Village People gay. The leads really don't even know how to walk like men; literally swishing from one scene to the next. The fight scenes show off their ballet and modern jazz skills as opposed to actual combat skills.

And the outfits could give leather a bad name for years to come. It's a fine line between wearing your leathers to ride and looking like an extra from Cruising. Even the late Vic Morrow who keeps his manhood intact throughout most of the film goes leather bar at the end.

The dialog is awful beyond belief and the acting is community theater level. The gangs our heroes swish against are even worse. First you have the Rollerball rejects with Spaceball helmets and then the cast of A Chorus Line makes an appearance.(This is not an exaggeration the motorcycle gang literally battles a Broadway review) Fred Williamson (who confusingly is called Trash while Vic Morrow's character is called the Hammer), Betty Dessy as Hammer's girl Witch (In her only film) and Joshua Sinclair as Ice actually give entertaining performances.

The two leads however Stefinia Girolami Goodwin and Mark Gregory could simply not be worse. (Mark won his role after a practical joke by his fiancée.) The Goodwin and Gregory’s chemistry is nil and their line reading is atrocious. Looks like I owe 2019: After the Fall of New York an apology.

As the classic Joe Bob Briggs might have said; 17 breasts, zero of which belong to the ladies.




Seriously dangerous post-apocalyptic biker gang or four buddies off to the gay bar?



The first to die were the lucky ones, The tag-line refers to moviegoers one must assume




The tragic, soon to be Viking, funeral scene.



This is one of the enemy gangs... seriously.




It's Like Star Wars kids except um not.



International Trailer



Hilariously awful "Beach scene"




The Bronx Warriors get lost and don't realize they are in Brooklyn





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