Thursday, April 22, 2010
Blade Trinity... All right Marvel; No more movies I mean it.
Blade Trinity: 1 out of 10: Press reports at the time of Blade: Trinity's release claimed that star Wesley Snipes went off the deep end and tried to kill the director David S. Goyer. Lord knows he could have gotten away with it. Show the jury this movie and let the acquittals fly.
After two better than we deserved films the third Blade is a mess. For one thing the casting director is insane. The good guys consist of Snipes, Gabby Hayes (Kris Kristofferson), Elektra (Jessica Biel), Van Wilder (Ryan Reynolds), a retarded guy, a blind woman and Newt from Aliens.
The good guys have a "club" called the Nightstalkers. (What no Darren McGavin). Biel fights with an overtly plugged iPod playing horrible techno. (I would think being able to hear would be important in hand-to-hand combat) Reynolds's character spouts off endless one liners (most of them remarkably lame) and is saddled with the name Hannibal King. (Also needless to say remarkably lame) and fights with a light saber bow. (Please see above).
Speaking of lame we have the bad guys. We have wrestler Triple H (who cannot act), Parker Posey (who cannot speak with the fangs in her mouth) and best of all Dracula (Who calls himself Drake. Thinks he is in a Highlander movie. He is also a pacifist piece of Euro trash that looks like he fell of a Harlequin romance book cover. And is easily the least convincing screen Dracula I have ever scene (I'm including both George Hamilton and Mel Brooks in this equation).
The script is awful (even if you remove Reynolds's one-liners), the film was edited in a Cuisinart, the continuity was done by the blind girl, and the plot consists of bad guys finding good guys headquarters, then good guys finding bad guys headquarters.
If your still not convinced a contribution to Mr. Snipes potential legal defense fund is in order let me remind you. Parker Posey is the head vampire and has a climatic battle with Van Wilder. You can make the check out to cash.
Due to the adult nature of many of the films clips please click here to view them.
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