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Tuesday, April 27, 2010

Chupacabra Terror... Love saying the name too bad about the film



Chupacabra Terror: 2 out of 10: It was the Navy Seal team that tipped the balance from bad cheesy movie to just bad. Up till then there was a lot of bad movie baggage but the so called Navy Seals take the cake

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First of all I could find a more physically acceptable group of middle aged men at a Hooters during a Florida vs FSU Saturday afternoon matchup. Second instead of military helmets they are wearing bicycle helmets painted black. You know the ones with air holes that make every adult who wears them look like a complete tool. Honestly was there not one single police supply shop or military surplus store within a hundred miles of the set? And how hard is it to get extras that don’t look like Peter from Family Guy?

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The helmets were just the start of the “S.E.A.L.S.” problems. The glorified bass fishing boat they took to the cruise ship might have been another clue we weren’t dealing with the real deal. (It wouldn't have made it across Tampa Bay let alone an actual ocean)… And their military tactics wouldn't pass muster on a 3rd rate XBOX game.

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Another query posed by this film. “Does director John Shepphird have photos of John Rhys-Davies in a compromising position with a Hobbit?” Because I can't think of any other reason he would be in this movie. (Well except for the paycheck. I am only comforted by that famous Michael Caine quote when asked if he had seen Jaws 4 the Revenge. “I have never seen Jaws 4 but he has seen the house that it bought and that's beautiful.”)

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The other actors have a great excuse to be in the film. They are talentless unattractive hacks that couldn't get hired for an infomercial. The plot (if one is so bold to use that word so loosely) is that two men try to smuggle the mythical Chupacabra (Love saying that name) aboard a cruise ship and it gets loose.


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Notice the great acting in the picture above as an example. Oh the monster it tickles.

The interior sets clearly were designed by someone who may have seen an episode of the Love Boat once. (They are complete with airshafts the size of a small apartment.) The monster killings are bottom of the barrel; there is no nudity (An apparently pre-breast implant Chelan Simmons of Kyle XY and Final Destination 3 keeps her clothes on); and to top off the suck a lot of really bad actors refuse to finish their death scenes.

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Of particular annoyance is a gigolo character from a 60's Doris Day movie who keeps coming back to life during his death scene like a drunken Tim Conway trying to annoy Harvey Korman on a Carol Burnett Variety Hour.

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Speaking of monster killings the cast bleeds ketchup while the Chupacabra bleeds day green glow in the dark blood. (Why a goat eating Mexican mammal would bleed anything but red is beyond me.) Cheering the monster in these movies is pretty run of the mill. But honestly I simply wanted some of the actors to be injured just enough so they could never act in a movie again.

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Every B movie has a tipping point that makes it a fun time (Hey it's a lesbian shower scene, OMG that guy just ate is own eyeballs) or not so fun (Did they just call those forty something overweight guys wearing coveralls and bicycle helmets Navy Seals?) Chupacabra falls into the not so fun B movie side with a thud.

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